I am newly single. I was out of the dating game for just over a year but it feels like a lifetime. I’ve taken my time putting myself back out there. I knew I was in a space where I had completely disconnected with my past relationship. So yesterday, I finally told myself it was time to try and go on a date - just to break the seal and really cement it into my brain that I am single again.
How do we most easily get dates nowadays? I downloaded Hinge. I have had it for less than a day and I’ve already deleted it.
Why did I delete it?
Well, thanks to the boost your profile gets when you newly join, I woke up to 50+ likes. You would have thought that I’d feel pretty validated and happy… Not really. I felt incredibly overwhelmed. I’m not looking to waste my time. I don’t mean that I’m looking to rush into anything but if I do take the energy to go out, I want to have a fun night with a guy who I actually like as a person. How am I supposed to figure that out from a dating profile? It felt like a lucky dip choosing which men to match and which ones to decline. People try to put their personality on their profiles but everyone ends up saying the same things:
- 'I love/ hate x type of food'
- 'I love to travel'
- A reference to a popular TV show or movie
- Some obvious and generic joke
- Something about the gym or their dog...
It’s no one’s fault. What else are you supposed to say? I'm just saying it makes the selection process pretty difficult. I know that my profile is incredibly dull but equally, I don’t want to put my entire personality out there for a bunch of random men to ogle at.
*I re-downloaded Hinge just for the above content which backed up my list and it was even easier than I thought it would be. Every profile I looked at (not many to be fair) except one ticked a box.
I think part of the problem is that dating apps give you the opportunity to overthink and over analyse people. There is a glutton of choice so when you do match someone, you don’t know how much effort to put into them because you know that they, just like you, have tens of other people that they have already matched. Again, why would you want to put so much effort in with a stranger when you have no way of gauging the extent of their reciprocated interest? As I said before, there is only so much a person’s personality can shine through from their profile and in text form. I believe that you get a far better read of a person when you meet them in real life. However, here comes my next problem…
Meeting someone off an app creates such a formal setting filled with some sort of expectation. You will both be presenting in some way.
I met my ex at a bar, he was with his friends and I was with mine. I know that I never would have matched him had I come across him on a dating app. I think that even if I had and we had met for a date, neither of us would have been that interested in each other. The blessing that we had was a complete lack of pressure. Our first meeting was among friends and it was seeing each other in that relaxed setting which added a depth to our interest.
Of course, many people find their partners on dating apps. If it works for you - great! I have also met another ex from one in the past. I'm probably being overly cynical because I've just come out of a relationship with a person I grew to know quite well and I know that it will take a lot of luck and time to rebuild something completely new with someone else. Truthfully, I can’t even imagine it right now - though perhaps that’s the point.
If my 15 hours on Hinge taught me anything, it is that whilst I may no longer be yearning for my ex, I am also clearly not interested in looking for anyone else. If I was, I'm sure I wouldn't have been so quick to delete it again.
There is honesty in my criticisms though and they are the reasons why I would much rather meet people organically than have to actively search online. It just seems rarer these days to find your man out in the world. Regardless, I’ll try and be open minded, put myself out there, be friendly, go to events and first and foremost prioritise making friends. (I imagine the quest for making friends as an adult offline will need a whole other blog post.)
A close, like-minded community of people around me is what I’m really looking for anyway. If love comes, let it come but I won’t be out searching for it on an app anytime soon.
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