Dating is difficult enough without having cultural differences to navigate. Then, once you and your partner have come out the other side of these differences, families become involved and you’re forced to start all over again. It’s hard enough for two families to come together without coming from completely different worlds.
The new Netflix movie, ‘You People’ dealt with this in a very entertaining way. Of course things were exaggerated but many things rang true.
For those of you who haven’t watched it, You People follows the relationship of a Black, Muslim woman (Amira) and a White, Jewish man (Ezra) and the conflicts they faced when meeting each other’s families.
As soon as Amira meets Ezra’s parents, she is met with subtle comments to show her that their family is accepting of other cultures. There is a clear overcompensation shown through excessive compliments, the subtle mention of their other coloured associates. It becomes very clear throughout the movie that the mother in particular, can’t really see past the fact that Amira is black and makes little effort to get to know her beyond things that are specifically related to her blackness. For example: asking questions about her hair or asking for her opinions on police brutality.
So, what’s the problem? She’s engaging with her culture?
Of course, she does mean well. It is lovely when people take an interest in someone else’s culture. However, we’ve all experienced conversations with people when you can see that they are disingenuous. Nobody feels inclined to open up to these people. There was also the issue of the fact that the mother wasn’t bringing these things up to feel closer to Amira, more so to uplift herself and present herself as an inclusive and educated individual.
This certainly happens in real life: someone showing you a photo of their Godson who has an ethnic background from the same continent as you or mentioning that one trip to Africa or Asia at every opportunity and then never developing the conversation beyond the surface level which would allow you to actually open up about where you come from.
Again, it is certainly has good intentions and I can completely understand people feeling defensive for criticising this. In practice, most people smile and nod and do their best to ignore it. Still, this doesn’t make it comfortable, especially when it happens over and over again as it does in the movie. The point is, are you really trying to learn more about the person and where they come from or are you just trying to tick a box in your head?
Amira is lucky that she only faced politeness (albeit ignorant politeness). At least the woman could tell herself she was trying. What do you do when they don’t try at all? This usually manifests in politeness to your face and sly comments behind your back: ‘oh, we aren’t like that’. All of this comes from a place of not them not understanding the person in front of them. That is threatening for a parent. To see their child trying to enter a world they know nothing about.
Who has it harder, the parent or the partner?
For minorities navigating white countries, naturally, they have a pretty good understanding of the mainstream culture and what to expect. In that instance, perhaps they have it easier because they can brace themselves for disrespect and ignorance.
On the other hand, it is difficult to communicate these subtle issues. Especially, to a partner’s parents who you are trying to win over to your side. At the same time, if they aren’t addressed, how will you ever truly win them over? Whilst things are not communicated, you can never truly connect with them.
The parents are potentially feeling incredibly uncomfortable and unsure about how to communicate with the person their child has brought home. Maybe they don’t know how to engage with someone from a different culture from them: they don’t know what questions to ask, what’s offensive and what isn’t so they just avoid it altogether. Maybe they can’t even recognise that as the issue because they’re so certain they aren’t racist because of all these diverse friends they have. In which case they write you off as ‘wrong’ for their child because they don’t know how to truly see you.
The problem here is that to be close to a person and welcome someone into your family, you need a far deeper understanding of them than your work colleague or a surface level friend. They also can’t just rattle off generic and stereotypical topics and questions and tell themselves that, that is putting in an effort, as happens in the movie.
If they can’t even pinpoint the problem, maybe they have it worse. Or maybe ignorance is bliss.
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