Dating in today's age is incredibly difficult. There is a glutton of choice brought in with various dating apps, the sexual revolution making people less likely to commit, the google psychologists making problems bigger than they need to be and influencers promoting potentially relationship values e.g. perpetuating hypocrisy or exaggerating the need for specific aspects of gender roles whilst ignoring the nuance of personality and circumstance.
The clips I've seen from influencers have certainly made me overthink things which I had never seen as an issue in the past. Imagine what these things will do to younger minds.
They tend to make over generalised observations and idolise the structure of marriage and love in the past whilst ignoring the reasons which caused the cultural shift away from that.
That being said, I am not going to disparage anyone for the things which they claim to be necessary in their partner. I may find them misguided or disagree with them. It just means we shouldn't be together.
At the end of the day, if you can find someone who fits your criteria and you’re both genuinely happy then who am I to judge?
The problem I think arises from this is that people become far too obsessed with an overly thought out checklist.
At the end of the day, you need somebody who:
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You truly get along with: whatever that means to you.
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Has similar visions for the future.
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Understands how to deal with the full spectrum of your emotions.
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The same idea of how to function in a relationship: provides a balance of love and practicality which works for all parties.
My friend said something to me recently which I think people should bare in mind more when it comes to dating:
“Everyone knows what they want but they don’t know what they need.”
The people who make an imprint on you romantically should have characteristics which help you grow exponentially as a person. In my experience of this, these were things which I never would have been able to identify for myself.
These people may also have characteristics you had planned to avoid. Here’s the thing, you can’t control love and connection. I am not saying that you should accept blatantly poor behaviour; love is not the only important thing in a relationship. I'm saying, evaluate if these things were more of a preference or an actual firm boundary. If it's a preference, ask yourself, can I overlook this? Does other behaviour cancel out this one? Regarding the things which you cannot compromise on, communicate, and take note of any genuine growth the other person takes with you in mind. Do you inspire each other? Do you believe any negatives can get better with time?
There are things which should never be compromised: I am not talking about those things.
On the flip side, here’s another trap which you could then fall into:
- Just because you overlooked things for one person, does not necessarily mean that you should for another.
- Just because you discovered something you needed from one person, does not mean every person you date has to have it.
Remember, new people will bring new things to the table which you have probably never even considered which will be crucial for your character development.
In dating, it’s important to be as open minded as possible. When they say it's important to have a good relationship with yourself before getting romantically involved with someone - it is so true. You can't fully accept someone before you've done that with yourself. Relationships should make you more self aware than ever.
Relationships can be difficult. Real love will turn your life upside down. Being with a person and all their flaws: the good, the bad and everything in between is a beautiful thing. Navigating each other's different ways of expressing love, anger, sadness is going to take time as you gradually draw out the different sides of each other.
That's why I reiterate the point of giving someone a chance if there is a base level attraction and friendship potential. Don't cut it off short because they weren't everything you were hoping for. The person who meets all of your criteria may not enrich your life in the way you think they will.
Again, I am not saying stick it out with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive or cheating on you. The point is that with the glutton of choice which technology has created, people have become unable to look at a person’s true character. That is what makes a relationship: not their body count, not their bank account. There may be stories behind them which do not reflect the person they truly are. It doesn’t mean you have to like it. The point is, you could be hurting yourself for turning someone down for those reasons without taking the time to understand their mind.
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